G.R. Professorson -- born 1899 inside the women's waiting room of the library of St. Hudibras' College, Cambridge; died in his office as Sir Thopas Chair, Oxford, 2002; best friend of TS Eliot and JBS Haldane; first man in England to ever be found not guilty by reason of insanity for the crime of atheism; bisexual libertine and suspected father of at least 2 Fields Medalists; linguist, lawyer, geometer, alchemist; -- his only published work is *Why Are There Still Snails in My Garden?* (1953).
Both Russell and Keynes recorded nightmares where G.R. Professorson reached inside their mouths and pulled their tongues out. Professorson once won an argument about inductive inference by killing a Spaniard, but also got out of service in the Great War as a conscientious objector. He received tenure during this time for his notes on a dissertation towards a Prolegomenon on the Egyptology of Keats.
(He was supposed to have written his dissertation about Shelley, author of "Ozymandias," but got the two Romantic poets confused and considered it his gentlemanly honor to complete the project once endeavored. The unpublished manuscript occupies three feet of shelf space in the St. Hudibras College Library.)
