"Fuck around and find out"
But how do you find out how to fuck around?
Context: I can't play (as in enter "play" mode). Not even in videogames. I did get some kind of pleasure by them but I wasn't playing, I was optimizing my performace and figuring out how to get better and that was kinda satisfying.
Best I can do is a few moments of fleeting "fun" typically while in a 1-to-1 context. All other efforts feel clumsy and forced; I occasionaly enjoy things by proxy but in first person when "vibing" all I enjoy doing is abstracting over stuff (or joking powered by abstraction).
If you have any thoughts pls contribute.
Once off meds, probably later this year, I am thinking MDMA in a comfy setting is a possible way to get a glimpse of what "play" could be? (done psychs but experience doesn't translate well to soberness since they're way too mind altering)
inb4 fuck around and find out
Since this is the case chronically, I have no frame of reference of what "play" even is, just an abstraction of it developed probably through osmosis. I'm on standard SNRI medication the past few months, which doesn't really make a difference when it comes to that.