acidic chew @acidic_chew@schelling.pt

currently in the middle of a (yet another) Joscha Bach ccc talks binge, I am convinced that these 6 talks are the most interesting thing the 21st century has produced

I have a feeling @PlinzM agrees
please start a cult so I can join
let these be the bible https://media.ccc.de/search?p=Joscha

There's probably a lot of sadness underneath that has yet to be experienced. Anyway, I'm unsure what to do with this

No matter how meta I go, forgive, understand, and learn from the circumstances, the rage does not subside. As time passes I gradually think less about them, but when I do, the seething remains consuming. Unlike other feelings which I find kind of fuzzy, this one is clear as day.

The feelings that reach the surface of my consciousness chronically are low in intensity, which is not that pressing of a problem; there is however a glaring exception:
Indescribable rage toward the couple of people in my lifetime who have deeply hurt me and betrayed me.

don't cry because it happened, smile because it's over

inb4 fuck around and find out

If you have any thoughts pls contribute.
Once off meds, probably later this year, I am thinking MDMA in a comfy setting is a possible way to get a glimpse of what "play" could be? (done psychs but experience doesn't translate well to soberness since they're way too mind altering)

Since this is the case chronically, I have no frame of reference of what "play" even is, just an abstraction of it developed probably through osmosis. I'm on standard SNRI medication the past few months, which doesn't really make a difference when it comes to that.

Best I can do is a few moments of fleeting "fun" typically while in a 1-to-1 context. All other efforts feel clumsy and forced; I occasionaly enjoy things by proxy but in first person when "vibing" all I enjoy doing is abstracting over stuff (or joking powered by abstraction).

Context: I can't play (as in enter "play" mode). Not even in videogames. I did get some kind of pleasure by them but I wasn't playing, I was optimizing my performace and figuring out how to get better and that was kinda satisfying.

"Fuck around and find out"
But how do you find out how to fuck around?