every single action i take can be explained as just another step in my plan to get everyone to leave me the fuck alone so i can just vibe watch anime write useless code for art and like kind of just walk around and think about stuff
ultimately i just wanna be left alone
but if i just disconnect from everyone who depends on me i'll feel bad & wont be able to do what i want without caring
so i gotta adequately discharge my responsibilities such that my guilt is assuaged and there won't be anyone left hanging
this is true on several scales: the personal, w/ direct responsibilities to individuals; the societal, w/ the obligation to give more than I take; the species, in that I won't be able to rest until mortality is solved, and most importantly, the cosmic, with the looming heat death
this mindset is rooted in what I like to call positive objectivist ethics; Rand had some good ideas but went wrong in their application. the single most valuable insight of hers, IMO, was that there is no such thing as altruism; humans do everything with self-interest in mind
if instead of pretending otherwise, and telling ourselves (and others) that we are motivated by high-minded selfless considerations, we admit that, no, we are driven by enlightened self-interest, we can more honestly structure our priorities and life plans
i just wanna be left alone to do w/e I feel like, but I can't feel good about myself unless I pay my debt to family/society/the universe first, so I'll work to accrue enough resources to do so first.
i think if more of us were honest about this many conflicts could be avoided
some might call this a narcissistic & self-centered worldview, but by structuring my priorities in this absolute way, I am better able to weigh my options & arrive at decisions I'm least likely to regret; all I do is in service of "just vibing", but in a rather convoluted way