over the course of many fuckup I learned to structure my consciousness in a way comparable to a realtime OS, making the OODA loop explicit, optimizing for resilience and ergodicity; spirals became my new best friends, a foundation for my awareness, and a psychic anchor

realizing I was aware, looking around, touching upon all the relevant facts of where I was and what I was doing, checking if my current bearing was compatible w/ my previously stated intentions, applying a delta if I detected drift; thru endless iterations, I honed this system

it's difficult to explain to one who has never experienced this, but when you're deep under the influence of certain substances, this becomes borderline impossible, taking all your resources just to maintain coherence

its a truly humbling lesson, shattering our preconceptions

I took this framework back into mundanity w/ me when I returned, & to this day i credit these experiences for allowing me to overcome ADHD executive dysfunction. if I could accomplish tasks while missing a sense of self, there's no reason I can't do the same whilst (mostly) sober

it's a trial by fire, not one I recommend to anyone bc of the very real risks; some never come out of that state, they lose themselves in the deep and spend years wandering their shattered psyches, trying to put the pieces back together

but if you make it back, you transcend

I'm not exactly the epitome of an enlightened being, as is more than apparent if you scroll through my profile; but I do have an uncommonly solid grasp on the operating principles of of agency, both in my personal and professional lives

this also lends me other advantages

the same skills involved in wresting order from chaos in everyday life come in useful when you're dropped into wholly new environments and expected to function; social events where you know no one, unknown neighborhoods, virtual worlds, domains of knowledge outside your expertise

if you have a solid grasp of your self, you're able to thrive within any sort of uncertainty, as the operating principles are the same; observe, orient, decide, and act. who and where are you, what are your options, what do you want, and how can you get it. these are universal.

there are myriad methods to home these skills, many much less extreme than the ones I used. I encourage you to find opportunities to do so in your everyday life. intentionally seek out new environments, experiences; push your operating envelope, and transcend your limits.