this sucked, as I had grown to very much like some of those relationships, and thought they were reciprocal, only to find out the hard way that no, that was merely my perception, and once I'd push back on certain things my presence became more of a hassle than anything

it's rather depressing, how many times this pattern had recurred. ultimately the fault is on me for being naive and not checking my models against reality hard enough before investing significant efforts into relationships

but I really wish more spaces had explicit rules

those spaces I've been lucky enough to find that did operate this way were a treasure to me; the social contract was explicitly declared & consistently enforced, with a vibrant community emerging as a result. ofc these tended to be somewhat nerdy spaces, but that's to be expected

I've tried a few times to cultivate spaces like this myself, but it hasn't really worked out; I'm not particularly good at community management unfortunately. the times it's sort of worked, they were effectively co-opted from me by more socially defy elements. but such is life

it may be worthwhile to make my desired social contracts explicit, to go thru the exercise of writing this out, if only for the sake of clarifying my own desires. I'd love to eventually have an opportunity to cultivate a space with such rules, but who knows what the future holds