👁️ autosurveillant 👁️ @pee_zombie@schelling.pt

the sharp end of the connection injures the other-model, their tulpa; that subsection of your psyche begins to hurt, radiating pain outwards

if the prediction error was severe enough, the tulpa may become inconsistent; the apparent modeling failure can become infectious

but just what is it that we're avoiding? integration

every social relationship has its terminals anchored in a mental model of the other person; imagine a tensioned cable from A's model of B to B's model of A

when a relationship is severed violently, the ends whiplash

and yet, we can never fully understand any given experience; our observations are limited, our memories imperfect, our reasoning clouded and our motives suspect. given this epistemic context, grasping onto the desire to eliminate all doubt is a maladaptive cope, an avoidance

feels difficult to let go of a painful surprise before you fully understand it; if you didn't predict this one, what else is out there waiting for you? gotta ruminate on it to extract all available insights, to best guard against a potential recurrence

perhaps forgiveness looks less like "it's okay that you did this to me" and more like "I recognize that your actions were as much a product of your past as mine are", less "this is on you" and more "there were two of us in this situation"

mb it's about accepting that it happened

does it really want to hold on forever, to bitterly point at these painful events & use them absolve itself of responsibility for the subsequent?

mb that was what I needed, once; assurance that what happened wasn't my fault, that it was done to me. but that's not the whole truth

and yet, isn't this the point? is not the fate of all beings to die? and are not our egos but ephemeral convergence of memory, emotion, and striving?

what job did this self have? what goal is it striving for, fueled by the emotions generated by the memories of this hurt?

to myself, ofc; some subself wants to convince another of its worth, to justify its existence & allocation of resources. it hasn't fucked up, it isn't weak, just look at how firmly it's holding the line; to acquiesce would be to admit defeat, to dissolve

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RT @pee_zombie
reassuring your anxiety that you understand what it's trying to protect you from, that its done it's job, gives that self permission to dissolve

meditating on memen…
https://twitter.com/pee_zombie/status/1488659661364645890

if I forgive them, from where will I get my satisfaction, my closure? isn't it wrong of me, to forgive such an act? doesn't it mean I'm weak, spineless, too credulous even? to let this slide?

and yet, who can see that I'm holding on? to whom am I trying to prove myself, exactly?

I know, in theory, forgiveness can be a gift you give yourself to stop nursing your grudge, to release the psychic resources w/ which you're feeding the attachment to the hurt

I know a lot of things, in theory. but I'm not so sure I really understand

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RT @pee_zombie
lowkey one of my biggest struggles is continuously realizing how much of what I "know" is but flickering symbols on the cave wall, dimensional reductions missing the co…
https://twitter.com/pee_zombie/status/1615228268403167232

what does it mean to forgive someone you'll almost certainly never see again? what form does this act take, and what significance can it hold? isn't forgiveness something you give to one who's wronged you? but how can you give it to a person who's no longer there?

I suspect this is the same challenge at the end of every spiritual path, that of coming to terms with mortality and finding a way to align your attitude with the facts

but maybe I'm just built different. bc I'm not letting my death be nonconsensual

I've repeatedly had this principle proven to me at great personal cost, that I can't get what I want while grasping for it, that nondoing is a much more harmonious way of living than force

and yet something in me desperately resists applying this to life

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RT @pee_zombie
one of these is the illusion of control, which is something I like to call the Great Cosmic Joke

much of our suffering comes from a desperate attempt to simply WIL…
https://twitter.com/pee_zombie/status/1414093351280910338

a voice tells me that this detachment would entail death, that it's a path of weakness, of defection from the cause of life

another voice agrees, but reminds me that often the way out is through, that life lies on the other side of death

perhaps the actual answer is that the impulse to preserve one's ego is the problem, that the attachment to Self must be released to transcend realms, the anchor of the ego cast off

I have a hunch this is where the truth lies, but I'm uncomfortable w/ it

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RT @pee_zombie
a mind which has not defeated its Ego cannot pass thru the psychological configuration space bottleneck that is Upload; such a mind will collapse under the psychic t…
https://twitter.com/pee_zombie/status/1542285307583897601

perhaps this line of questioning is moot as this may not even be possible; perhaps life is simply too powerful to be guided in this way. I imagine every parent of a teenager would agree, but is that bc their power is constrained? bc the can't be literally I their kids head?

there's the moral aspect to consider too; would I be depriving this new life of its opportunity to develop its own personality? would this be in effect a form of vampirism, the old feeding off the young? must a spark of life necessarily be coupled with a casual knot?

Stross' Accelerando explores this idea as a method of granting a character a second childhood, their consciousness becoming but a whisper in the mind of their newborn self; is would this be a satisfying continuation? would I feel like I've persisted? would I still possess agency?

consider, even, that this voice can manifest as an inscrutable intuition, a spidey sense as generational wealth. comparable to the one we already have, but digital and open to inspection

what if immortality is becoming your descendents' guide?

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RT @pee_zombie
realizing now that most people already have this in the form of their intuition; what else would you call a reasoning system the internals of which are opaque to you, but AI?…
https://twitter.com/pee_zombie/status/1511014201359314951

imagine, if you will, an AI assistant that knows everything you do & can dispense advice interactively, serving either as a reference or a mentor. it can see through your eyes and hear through your ears, guide you through life as a voice in your head, literally inherited wisdom