feeling numb and abject 😐
haven't felt like this in 2021 yet, cool
hooray for cyclical SAD rearing its head at the expected time like clockwork*
fresh twist: this year I have no chance of any gatherings with 'friends' 🙄
*a few weeks after the year begins once the new year doesn't seem as novel anymore but it's still dark, cloudy, and frigid outside
(I already have a SAD light, am on the optimal meds, exercise, meditate, and usually get enough sleep... just have to wait it out 😕)
I'm as strong as ever, it's my egodystonic environment and shallow hollow network that reliably let me down
unfortunately we're well-acquainted
sometimes they get too close for comfort and overstay their welcome
SAD + solipsism are an unhealthy combination
the next 40ish days are going to be an emotional rollercoaster through an underground mine, I can already feel it
just have to remember there's light at the end of the tunnel
(but you have to be patient, you can't force it to appear any faster bc breaking the space-time continuum goes against the rules of nature and laws of physics)
and yet I have to concede the one consistent variable in all my struggles is... me
when both internal and external self-justification facades melt away, what's left?
pure consciousness... and coupled with it, fear itself