throughout my youth, from high school to college, I went thru a wife variety of musical phases; each, at the time, seemed perfectly tuned to the predominant emotional modes I happened to be inhabiting
every time id notice myself transitioning to a new one, I'd see it as progress
in the past, mistakenly, I'd theorize this as being a linear process, finding new forms of music which better matched my emotions as I'd mature
butbover time, I'd notice myself on occasion, drawn to musical styles I hadn't properly appreciated in a while, finding something new
each time this happened, I found myself discovering a new emotional depth in music I thought I'd outgrown, a new way of relating to those same styles, a way to resonate with them
this never failed to astonish, violating my self narrative as it did
eventually i learned from this
I realized that what I was discovering was that those older versions of myself were still very much alive within my being, buried under newer personalities, but no less relevant
and in times of crisis, they were exactly what I'd return to; these self-shells were my Kegan stages
you never truly become someone new; rather, you add on to your previous self, accreting a new way of being; your personality is greebled by your experiences, acquiring new facets as you gain experience
but your earlier iterations do not simply vanish into the void; they remain
in my times of anger, I'd find my metalhead teenager there to help me process it
when I'd feel depressed and lost, my college astronaut, there to guide me down the same paths I'd once trodden
with each emotional crisis, I'd been accumulating personal guides, waiting to help
we never truly outgrow our problems, but rather incorporate them into ourselves, like oysters accreting beauty around their trauma to produce a pearl
each of those hard-won layers has a soundtrack
so next time you hear an old favorite, thank the part of your self which loved it
