maybe I'm on a different tangent about the value of monogamy etc, and the QT is more generally related to communicating intents and expectations clearly in any kind of relationship. but there's something related to all this that's been bothering me

some backstory in place of elaboration: after overcoming my high-school sperg phase, I have pretty much been in serial-monogamy relationships throughout the time tinder and such apps blew up so I never got the chance to try it

the thing that was easily obvious was the explosion of *options*. I was struck by how many matches (some) people would have on tinder in any given day, and how many chats they would have going on

contrast this with me, having went through most of life unable to interact with girls *at all*, then slowly learning how to build relationships brick by brick, all the while obsessing over details and analyzing how the damn thing works

ofc no way I can explain everything I learned but one of the key dynamics:

caring less gives you power --> having options lets you care less --> options is power

then, by giving everyone (effectively) infinitely more options, we make everyone more powerful. but what really happens?

freedom is not *undesirable* despite its contradictions, but not everyone knows what to do with it

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RT @forshaper
@miftah___ra I'd say this is more true now than ever before.

The uncertainty in the air is FREEDOM. People are mad because they have MORE FREEDOM and they don't know what to do with it.
https://twitter.com/forshaper/status/1347039401327566849

ok that's enough abstract talk.

the thing that bothers *me* is that the way I learned to experience intimacy, I don't *see* options. I'm a rabid dog that hasn't eaten in days. when I manage to grab hold of some sliver of meat I hold on and never let go lest you forcibly wrench it from my jaw

and when everyone's drunk on freedom and trying to manage all these choices, being like this is positively *bad manners*. it's inconsiderate, to care too much. "why are you forcing me to hurt you? it makes me feel bad and I don't deserve this"

no. 1 tip i've gotten from friends re: this is, "eh if you start dating again you'll get used to it eventually"

this might be true. but also I don't *want* that to happen to me, because I feel like this hard-won capacity for love is the only thing keeping me from fully becoming a bitter hateful bastard

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RT @miftah___ra
I think eventually the anger started to stick & never went away, giving birth to this murderous urge to dominate, humiliate, and oppress people I don't like. Basically deep down a part of me wants to be a ruthless tyrannical di…
https://twitter.com/miftah___ra/status/1299647714020352001

if the two paths are Love and Power then I have chosen Love while everyone else is choosing Power and I don't know what to do

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RT @sadalsvvd
thought: all paths can be reduced to one of love or power
https://twitter.com/sadalsvvd/status/1348347711175720960