i understand, and do stand by, each individual choice i made with the previous iteration of this identity, as they made sense subjectively and fit together

but i hadn't taken into account the outside perspective, as many autists forget to do

this is a recurring pattern for me

funnily enough, its rather similar to the path i took thru fashion; initially completely ignoring it as it seemed impossible, then autistically constructing an internally-coherent system based on logic w/o thought given to overall vibe

took a while to learn to "unfocus my mind"

to some1 like me, it feels Obviously Impossible to just Do Things That Feel Good; bc how do you know what feels good?? when you're naturally so sensitive that your brain downregulates your inputs to be able to handle them, this can be difficult. autists are blunt for a reason.

it stems from genetic predisposition & environmental triggers for increased neural sensitivity. all else is downstream of this: from sensory issues to poor theory of mind, overly-rigid thinking patterns

like depression, much of autism is a numbing response to overwhelming inputs

over time, with great efforts, it is possible for us to realize this, and learn to peel back the numbing, to consciously re-engage with our high-res sensoriums; this can be difficult and painful; there are many pitfalls here

but if you get thru them, much is unlocked for you

poor physical coordination & general disembodiment is a downstream consequence of this, too; when your sensory homunculus feels like a mecha you're underequipped to be able to operate, its only natural to avoid it, doubling down on non-physical pursuits

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RT @pee_zombie
being a nerd first and foremost, I've always been rather clumsy and awkward; while I'm relatively athletic, it's only come through intense focus and work, with comple…
https://twitter.com/pee_zombie/status/1335106165223645185

when you lack the intuitions many others seem to possess, you're disadvantaged, having to work harder to achieve the same results; there's a good bit of privilege in just being able to vibe, to be a social human, to operate a body with ease & fluidity

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RT @pee_zombie
it took very intentional study of microexpressions, body language, subtle social signals and the subconscious interplay, before I got good at "seeming natural" at a par…
https://twitter.com/pee_zombie/status/1315704520652009472

there's a flip side to this, however; that initial disability, forcing intentional efforts, gives you a huge step up once overcome; having learned how to Do The Thing, you end up more capable than those who had natural aptitude, able to self-improve

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RT @pee_zombie
that intentional studying often gives one a deeper understanding of the domain in question, affording them more competence than is typical

i've always been like this; ve…
https://twitter.com/pee_zombie/status/1397985426233868293

i talk a lot about the limitations of autism, how it manifests, but this is not to be discouraging; rather, to broaden conceptions of starting points, dispel notions of certain things being naturally accessible to all

this is why i'm a transhumanist; human, transcend yourself