I often feel this way when in a state I've learned to identify as "power-saving mode"
when, for whatever reason, synchronizing adequately enough w/ others so as to communicate my internal state feels borderline impossible
so I resort to a more scripted, flat affect presentation
---
RT @pee_zombie
lowkey very annoyed to be required to verbalize my thoughts in order to share them
semantic legibilization is phenomenological violence
https://twitter.com/pee_zombie/status/1403765933865320453
in this mode I'm less graceful, less willing to accommodate others, to give them the benefit of the doubt, to do the extra cognitive work to parse their ambiguous statements
then, I prefer simple direct precise communication & don't have the energy or wherewithal for quirkiness
it took me a very long time to realize that this came off to others as being cold, hostile, angry
when subjectively I simply felt tired and desperately trying to keep the lights on, so to speak
better to be cold than unresponsive, was my thinking
my friends call this the robot
naturally this has led to much avoidable & regrettable interpersonal strife
what others saw as me being rude & mean, I saw as me being considerate, to remain in operation even when it felt impossible, so as to not just shut down on them
discussing this misunderstanding helped
there's always the initial hump to get over, where people simply don't believe me about my internal experiences in those moments, and that can be more alienating than many imagine I could be capable of feeling
even with other autists, convincing them of this has been difficult
usually comparing it to their own episodes, where they get sensory overload & cry/panic/etc, works
I feel the same things, but handle it differently, due to my own priorities/capabilities
when you're typically rather collected, can be difficult for others to imagine you not so
this is comparable to the differences in how men and women tend to process emotions, as well
many women seem to believe men just don't feel things very strongly, due to us not expressing these feelings
trust me, they're there all right, but the male gender role has obligations.
some women seem to have little to no idea what to do with strong male emotion, especially when it's not directed at them, but rather internally; how to comfort the comforter?
this is understandable, but it leads to many interpersonal pathologies
as usual, the way out is through
by leaning into the discomfort, letting one's self feel these things & allow those around you to see you feeling them, over time, the chasm can be bridged, the reciprocal support skills trained
mutual understanding between the genders is possible, contrary to how it often seems
ofc, my own issues are not just gender-based in nature, but also neurological, as this is what autism is, at the root; a neurofeedback pathology stemming from increased sensitivity and decreased regulation capabilities
I've seen similar patterns in others, even when they haven't
to this day, autism tends to be seen as either a serious scary thing, in the case of those unfortunate low functioning individuals, or as the butt of a joke, in the case of online aspies
and its both! but there's also so much in between that's sort of hidden from view, ignored
I have my own theories on why autism (seems to be/is) more prevalent nowadays, but that's another topic
the facts are that many of the behaviors we attribute to personality quirks are in fact attributable to being somewhere on the spectrum
and let's be real, many of us here are
I constantly get pushback for the mere suggestion that a behavioral pattern I observe in someone is, to me, v clearly attributable to autism
I suspect thats bc it seems a serious accusation; but no, it's a simple variation of neurotype, one which manifests in predictable ways
this is why I'm constantly harping on the topic on here; I know some of you might find it tedious, but I persist in it to
a. lower the stigma
b. broaden understanding
and admittedly,
c. bully you dorks
bc y'all are practically begging for it. some of you literally.
if you get anything out of this thread, let it be this:
consider the ways in which aspects of your experiences/behavior can be linked to high neural sensitivity; perhaps sensory issues, synesthesia, maybe rigidity of thought or need for routine
u 2 might be an autist & thats ok
we're expected to be stable, strong, secure, and able to provide a foundation and container for those around us, to support and provide for them, allowing them to have fewer concerns
I'm quite happy to fill this role, as I imagine many other men are
but we're not perfect