🌻 kiwi 🌻 @pareinoia@schelling.pt

took a nice walk the other day 🌺

and here I am at 30. still fucking wild to look back at all of that now, and realize that something I took for absolute fact all those years was merely smoke & mirrors inside my own mind.

and now life is, overall, good ✨

and only once it came to a head and turned active a few years back, was I finally able to face it head on, and, through blood sweat and tears, work my way through it. (the journey there is a story for a different day)

most of my life was filled with passive suicidal ideation, which is quite the weight to carry around. I didn't know how to deal with it, and didn't think I deserved to feel better. it sat in my mind, taking up space. it slowly grew and grew over the course of many years,

I think in some way, taking an idea like that and treating it as fact was some sort of bizarre, twisted self-harm. internalizing & repeating it, making myself believe it, in order to punish myself. "you're worthless", "nobody loves you", "you're going to kill yourself by 30".

I couldn't imagine making it *that* many more years with the constant fiery anguish inside my head (it ebbed and flowed but was everpresent). I felt oddly calm about the thought, like I had just... accepted it. "oh, well I mean yeah, I'm probably not making it to 30, whatever."

something I completely forgot when I turned 30 a few weeks ago — I spent much of my life, from my early teens onwards, convinced I wouldn't make it to 30. if something didn't kill me first, I mused, surely I would kill myself by then. I literally could not imagine being 30.

and here's another 15 ❤️

‣ @acidshill
‣ @egregirls
‣ @embryosophy
‣ @endotericist
‣ @GlitchesRoux
‣ @gptbr00ke
‣ @michaelcurzi
‣ @nickcammarata
‣ @ollybot_redux
‣ @QiaochuYuan
‣ @Rididelduol
‣ @thesravaka
‣ @Virtual1nstinct
‣ @WeftOfSoul
‣ @xvrqt

aaaand done!

(it's not dry yet)

taking a virtual watercolor class thru work ✨

me and who
---
RT @uwuuwu00432527
"hey google, die" challenge
https://twitter.com/uwuuwu00432527/status/1384236240191426560

guess we can't say "in minecraft" anymore
---
RT @costcope
not cool guys
https://twitter.com/costcope/status/1384219093692141568

new fun ingroup trend: poast your whole genome! 💖✨
---
RT @sirsfurther
Real face avis
Age in username
Real names in bio
Addresses in location
Bloodtypes in drafts
https://twitter.com/sirsfurther/status/1384229764911702022

how the fuck did we used to be capable of narrowing it down to 8

also there were a ton more people I wanted to include but 🥲 just know that I love you all regardless

it was originally supposed to be 10 but I couldn't make it 10 😭😭😭 so you can have 15 instead

& I also had to trim down the caption lmfao

& nerds go ahead and fight me about where I put @__justplaying alphabetically

list users you appreciate a LOT 💕

‣ @bubbleteaPhD
‣ @cheascake
‣ @chopstickfury01
‣ @eggprophet
‣ @goblinodds
‣ @infra_naut
‣ @__justplaying
‣ @liminal_warmth
‣ @myceliummage
‣ @parafactual
‣ @pee_zombie
‣ @plesmasquerade
‣ @pragueyerrr
‣ @sadalsvvd
‣ @SeanMombo
---
RT @VividVoid_
Don't break the chain, list users you appreciate very much:

@AbstractFairy, who is both tender and ironclad

@_StevenFan who is an unassailable optimist

@…
https://twitter.com/VividVoid_/status/1384206131849949196

don't think I want to return to the office until it can safely be done without masks

can't imagine something more miserable than sitting at my computer for 8 hours fully masked